Alive
by Jill-in-the-Box
Summary: She's alive, but she doesn't quite believe it. Beckett struggles with the aftermath of Countdown.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Castle. The only profit being made is my own amusement (and hopefully yours).

**Alive**

She's alive, but she doesn't quite believe it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Castle is unusually silent in the passenger's seat as she drives them back to the precinct, but everything around her looks different, unreal. She stares at trees and buildings and street signs through the car window and knows it's New York, yet she feels lost, like she's seeing the city for the first time. She's aware that _Kate Beckett _almost died today, twice, but the name sounds unfamiliar in her head, as if she's thinking about someone else's story and not her own, as if she's outside her own body, watching herself go through the motions of going on with a life that was nearly taken away.

She'd come close to death before, but never quite like this. She'd dodged countless bullets throughout her career, but until today, she'd only needed to confront her mortality after the danger had gone. This time, she'd been forced to think about the inevitable end as it approached, about everything she'd failed to accomplish—not getting to see her mother's killer brought to justice, not telling her dad she loved him quite often enough, not letting Castle know that he meant more to her than she'd ever been willing to admit. She'd tried to say something in the freezer, but by then she'd been too weak to move. And later, as they stood helplessly in front of the bomb, her chest had felt so tight and her mouth so dry that all she could manage to do was clasp his hand and tell him with her eyes what she couldn't say in words.

Castle reaches out and rests a single finger against the back of her glove. His touch is a little electric shock that zaps her back into her body, and she smiles at him as she feels herself finally settle back into her limbs.

* * *

As Josh holds her in the hallway of the precinct, she relishes the familiarity—the sound of his breathing, his spicy cologne, the cool leather under her hands. But this reminds her of another embrace, and suddenly she's wrapped in Castle's arms again, cold and numb and afraid. She shudders involuntarily.

Josh notices. "You okay?"

"A little cold," she admits.

"We'll get you some dinner. That'll warm you up in no time."

* * *

Josh takes her to Remy's, teases her when the double cheeseburger arrives. "That's gonna clog up your arteries," he warns, as he picks up his grilled chicken sandwich, extra lettuce, hold the mayo. "You wouldn't want me operating on you, now would you?"

"Of course not," she jokes back. "Isn't there some kind of rule against sleeping with your patients?"

"I'd break every rule in the ethics code for you, babe," he replies with a smile.

The waitress sets a strawberry milkshake in front of her. She realizes that she doesn't remember ordering it, but her mind's been on autopilot all afternoon, and it's the same thing she always gets when she eats here with Castle. She wraps her hand around the frosty glass and starts to take a sip, but it's so cold and the restaurant's so cold and _she's_ so cold and the _freezer's _so cold and this time no one's going to come and—

She roughly pushes the milkshake away.

Josh silently studies her for a moment. He looks like he's searching for the right words to say, but he finally gives up and signals the waitress for the check.

* * *

She unlocks the door to her apartment and motions for Josh to follow her. He promptly gathers her in his arms again, resting his chin against the top of her head.

"I came back here last night and couldn't find you," he whispers. "And when I found out that no one at the station knew where you were either, I was so scared, Kate. I could have lost you and you'd been angry with me and I thought that I'd never get a second chance with you." With her cheek against his chest, she feels him takes a deep, shuddering breath. "So I'm here now, and I've decided that I'm going to help raise money and supplies from home instead of going on so many trips. I want this to work, Kate. But I need to know that you want it too."

She hesitates on her answer. She _does_ want this, but she's afraid that what she wants isn't necessarily what she needs. After all, she'd wanted Castle last summer; looking back, she's lucky that nothing happened between them, because he's become her best friend, someone who won't abandon her the way a lover could. She wants Josh now, sweet, smart, sexy Josh—but she's starting to wonder whether in a year's time he'll be happy if he's not out on one mission after another, if she'll be comfortable knowing that she's the one who convinced him to set aside his calling and stay behind for her.

But she can't say no without being a hypocrite; she's criticized Castle for his lack of commitment, but she's the one who's made a habit of keeping a foot out of the door. She meets Josh's eyes and says, "I'm with you all the way."

"And Castle—?"

"—is a friend," she finishes for him.

Josh doesn't look completely certain. "That's all?"

She kisses him then, partly to convince him, partly to convince herself, but mostly because she wants to surrender to passion instead of cold, to be consumed by lust rather than fear. His hands are everywhere on her body, his fingers nimble and precise, as if he's trying to claim her from death like he does for the patients on his operating table. She caresses his skin, warm and damp under her palms, and it's so, so different from earlier today, when she'd reached for Castle's chin and felt nothing but frost under her fingertips. Her heart is pounding, faster than the red numbers counting down her final seconds, but this time she knows how it's going to end, and this time she's in control of where she's headed.

When she finally comes apart into a million little pieces, she grabs on tight to Josh's shoulders, cries out his name. But she can't help but feel a little disappointed, and she knows that nothing is ever going to compare to the exhilarating rush she'd felt in the moment she'd thrown her arms around her partner's neck, gasping out _oh Castle_ and realizing there would be more cases and pizza nights and inside jokes and someone who had her back, _always_.

* * *

She still doesn't feel quite right, afterwards, wrapped in Josh's arms. Her body is warm and tingling now instead of cold and numb, like she's finally becoming unfrozen, but there's still that restlessness within her, that awareness that she could have died today and left so many things unfinished.

She reaches for her phone and quickly types out a message to Castle. _You okay?_

His reply comes in less than a minute. _It was a little tough earlier, but Mother and Alexis just got back, so I'm okay. You?_

She realizes that the uneasy feeling has somehow disappeared. _Had_ s_ome trouble sleeping, but I'm all right now. Good night, Castle._

_Until tomorrow._

She smiles, settles back into bed, and before long she's drifting off again, but this time she welcomes the slow fall into oblivion. Because this weekend she'll drive to her dad's, bake him his favorite pie, introduce him to Josh. On Thursday she'll meet up with Maddy for drinks and the latest gossip on which of their former classmates are married or—Maddy's preferred topic of conversation—making little babies. And tomorrow. Tomorrow Castle will be there with two coffees, and maybe a bearclaw too, and he'll come up with some inappropriate remark that will certainly bring a smirk to her face. And she'll tell him what she was about to say in that moment in the freezer, before her world went black.

_I just want you to know how much I look forward to seeing you every day._

**FIN.**


End file.
